I’ll die of the grief, guilt and regret that i carry in my heart…it weighs heavy on me and swallows me whole.. I try to lift it up to run from it to forget about it but it always finds me…it lurks around the corner in the dark waiting for me. It has become a ghost that’s haunting me forever and waiting for the day I give up and let it consume me.
Tag: pain
The Past
This Sunday, I went to the hospital alone after ages. I walked all the way, dressed up. I was hungry as I had to run a few blood tests, but I was more cheerful than usual. However, my happiness was short-lived. As soon as I entered the hospital, I saw a family crying, and one lady, in particular, was unconscious. The entire hospital had an eerie vibe that day—dark with very few people around, perhaps others as sick as me. The reception told me to go to the lab and get the name of my test written by their staff. Then began the real horror; it was quieter and darker. On the same floor, there’s the MORGUE, DEATH . Even my doctor sits on the ground floor, so I’ve often found myself staring at the morgue blankly.
I stood there gazing at the gates of the morgue, but the darkness engulfed me, taking me into a trance. Paralyzing my feet and holding my breath, I stood there, staring at the door, wondering about the people who’ve lost their loved ones. The family crying at the reception—maybe their loved one is lying here, cold and dead.
In that moment, I was forced to relive my past again; my mind loves playing games, and the favorite game is to remind me of the day I lost my mother. The thought of cold, dead bodies reminded me of my mother’s cold feet. I still remember the rock-cold feet, the touch haunting me.
They say time heals all pain, but in moments like this, I am thrown back into my past, forced to relive the same day again and again. Standing outside the door of the morgue, I am forced to wonder how an autopsy is done. My own memories are my worst enemy.
Secrets
They think I tell the truth
But I hide it in the pages of my diary
For the truth is deep, dark and teary
They pretend to know it all
But they know nothing at all
For I hide it all
In the pages of my diary
But is it all in there? Or still hidden?
Some secrets of the soul
Some traumas on the aching soul
Well, it’s the secrets that make me whole
Haunting thoughts
My thoughts are more terrifying than the wildings that roam the deepest darkest jungles and scarier than the monsters that sleep under my bed. My thoughts accuse me of the crimes I didn’t commit and even consider me guilty. At times, my thoughts reminds me of the good times but only to quickly replace them with the bad ones making me question the good ones, were they real or a memory created by mind to fool me? My thoughts keep me awake at night and when I want it to stop I go in a deep slumber. I even try to run far away to a place where it doesn’t haunt me, but it always catches up to me again charging me guilty of a crime I didn’t commit.
Flashbacks
Randoms flashbacks during day
The nightmares at night
Your voice ringing in my ear
Your longing eyes
I’m reminded of your presence
At every waking hour
They say it gets better
But how much can a heart really take
Until it breaks apart
Until the burden is too much to bear
Until what once was close and dear
Starts causing pain and fear
Death and darkness
When you lose someone there’s chaos all around and for the first few days, everyone will console you, they’ll wipe your tears, and ask if you’ve slept. For the initial thirteen days, you’ll have people coming from all over the country to support or maybe to fulfill the formality, but after the thirteenth day, there’s no one around, and the silence is loud enough to engulf you.
The darkness seems a little dark, and the silence seems a little loud. Your own mind defies you and tricks you to escape facing the reality of losing a part of yourself. Their presence is felt and even their voice starts ringing in your ears, but the truth remains that where your lost one used to be, there now remains a blank space.
It took me more than a year to come to terms with the reality and allow myself to grieve over the loss. In the silence of the nights, or even in the middle of the days; when I am all alone or even when I am in a crowded room, I look for you, I crave your touch and I miss your presence. I regret the words I said, but I also regret the emotions unsaid. I often see you in my dreams, but even in those dreams I have lost you and I wake up with tears rolling down my cheeks.
Do you know what’s strange? Some people try to console you by saying “They must be so proud of you”, “They’re always with you”, or “They’re watching over you” but none of these words will bring you comfort but only act as a reminder that a part of your life is missing. The most important part of your life is missing and you cannot do anything about it. You can try to stay busy, try ignoring, try staying angry but as they say, you cannot run away from the truth for long it catches up to you and hurts like hell.
Sometimes, you even pretend to be happy but eventually, the masks fall off and you are forced to face your emotions. The darkness of death catches up to you and reminds of you everything you have lost. It constantly reminds you that the person you loved, the biggest part of your life is no more and you are still here to face the guilt, the regret, the pain, and endure the never-ending torment.
Heartbreak
When the heart breaks, it doesn’t break in two; it breaks into a million little pieces. When you left me you broke my heart once, then again and again, you kept on breaking it until there was no piece left to be broken anymore. The funny part is that every broken piece of my heart held on to the hope that one day you’ll come back and heal my heart. The never-ending hope turned into agony and pain, time stopped and the sky turned grey for a long time but one day it all stopped. I never thought it’ll stop hurting but it did and now when I look back all I see is how far I came and how strong I became. Instead of being angry, I am thankful for making me strong, wise and someone I will always love.
The truth
When you lose someone forever you stay in denial for long. Your mind tries to cover up the facts and make you believe that one day they’ll come back or the recurring dreams make you believe that they are by your side. Now when it’s almost one year the reality sets in….This time they are gone forever and won’t return. As the reality sets in, the pain, the guilt, the torment, that particular day and those emotions, it all comes back with a rush to haunt you all over again. The worst part is this time you can’t even deny it or run away from it.
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