I’ll die of the grief, guilt and regret that i carry in my heart…it weighs heavy on me and swallows me whole.. I try to lift it up to run from it to forget about it but it always finds me…it lurks around the corner in the dark waiting for me. It has become a ghost that’s haunting me forever and waiting for the day I give up and let it consume me.
Tag: dark
Darkness
Once upon a time, I had a lone star, the one that shines brightest even in an otherwise dark sky. The lone star symbolised hope, it meant that even on the darkest night of my life, there would always be hope. I could fall even from the sky because I knew that someone would catch me, but for the first time ever I am scared to fall.
The sky is empty, and all that remains is darkness, a dark cloud looms over my head, and the darkness is waiting for me with its mouth wide open, ready to swallow me whole.
I have been running away from it, fighting it, dreading it all because I saw the Lone Star but can you really change your destiny? I guess not! Because I tried everything but fate seems inevitable now.
Maybe I was destined to fall, maybe the flicker of Lone Star was just my imagination, maybe hope doesn’t exist, maybe….
The Past
This Sunday, I went to the hospital alone after ages. I walked all the way, dressed up. I was hungry as I had to run a few blood tests, but I was more cheerful than usual. However, my happiness was short-lived. As soon as I entered the hospital, I saw a family crying, and one lady, in particular, was unconscious. The entire hospital had an eerie vibe that day—dark with very few people around, perhaps others as sick as me. The reception told me to go to the lab and get the name of my test written by their staff. Then began the real horror; it was quieter and darker. On the same floor, there’s the MORGUE, DEATH . Even my doctor sits on the ground floor, so I’ve often found myself staring at the morgue blankly.
I stood there gazing at the gates of the morgue, but the darkness engulfed me, taking me into a trance. Paralyzing my feet and holding my breath, I stood there, staring at the door, wondering about the people who’ve lost their loved ones. The family crying at the reception—maybe their loved one is lying here, cold and dead.
In that moment, I was forced to relive my past again; my mind loves playing games, and the favorite game is to remind me of the day I lost my mother. The thought of cold, dead bodies reminded me of my mother’s cold feet. I still remember the rock-cold feet, the touch haunting me.
They say time heals all pain, but in moments like this, I am thrown back into my past, forced to relive the same day again and again. Standing outside the door of the morgue, I am forced to wonder how an autopsy is done. My own memories are my worst enemy.
Secrets
They think I tell the truth
But I hide it in the pages of my diary
For the truth is deep, dark and teary
They pretend to know it all
But they know nothing at all
For I hide it all
In the pages of my diary
But is it all in there? Or still hidden?
Some secrets of the soul
Some traumas on the aching soul
Well, it’s the secrets that make me whole
Haunting thoughts
My thoughts are more terrifying than the wildings that roam the deepest darkest jungles and scarier than the monsters that sleep under my bed. My thoughts accuse me of the crimes I didn’t commit and even consider me guilty. At times, my thoughts reminds me of the good times but only to quickly replace them with the bad ones making me question the good ones, were they real or a memory created by mind to fool me? My thoughts keep me awake at night and when I want it to stop I go in a deep slumber. I even try to run far away to a place where it doesn’t haunt me, but it always catches up to me again charging me guilty of a crime I didn’t commit.
Flashbacks
Randoms flashbacks during day
The nightmares at night
Your voice ringing in my ear
Your longing eyes
I’m reminded of your presence
At every waking hour
They say it gets better
But how much can a heart really take
Until it breaks apart
Until the burden is too much to bear
Until what once was close and dear
Starts causing pain and fear
Death and darkness
When you lose someone there’s chaos all around and for the first few days, everyone will console you, they’ll wipe your tears, and ask if you’ve slept. For the initial thirteen days, you’ll have people coming from all over the country to support or maybe to fulfill the formality, but after the thirteenth day, there’s no one around, and the silence is loud enough to engulf you.
The darkness seems a little dark, and the silence seems a little loud. Your own mind defies you and tricks you to escape facing the reality of losing a part of yourself. Their presence is felt and even their voice starts ringing in your ears, but the truth remains that where your lost one used to be, there now remains a blank space.
It took me more than a year to come to terms with the reality and allow myself to grieve over the loss. In the silence of the nights, or even in the middle of the days; when I am all alone or even when I am in a crowded room, I look for you, I crave your touch and I miss your presence. I regret the words I said, but I also regret the emotions unsaid. I often see you in my dreams, but even in those dreams I have lost you and I wake up with tears rolling down my cheeks.
Do you know what’s strange? Some people try to console you by saying “They must be so proud of you”, “They’re always with you”, or “They’re watching over you” but none of these words will bring you comfort but only act as a reminder that a part of your life is missing. The most important part of your life is missing and you cannot do anything about it. You can try to stay busy, try ignoring, try staying angry but as they say, you cannot run away from the truth for long it catches up to you and hurts like hell.
Sometimes, you even pretend to be happy but eventually, the masks fall off and you are forced to face your emotions. The darkness of death catches up to you and reminds of you everything you have lost. It constantly reminds you that the person you loved, the biggest part of your life is no more and you are still here to face the guilt, the regret, the pain, and endure the never-ending torment.
Heartbreak
When the heart breaks, it doesn’t break in two; it breaks into a million little pieces. When you left me you broke my heart once, then again and again, you kept on breaking it until there was no piece left to be broken anymore. The funny part is that every broken piece of my heart held on to the hope that one day you’ll come back and heal my heart. The never-ending hope turned into agony and pain, time stopped and the sky turned grey for a long time but one day it all stopped. I never thought it’ll stop hurting but it did and now when I look back all I see is how far I came and how strong I became. Instead of being angry, I am thankful for making me strong, wise and someone I will always love.
Biggest fear of human life…
Have you ever wondered what is our biggest fear? If you go and ask random people, what is it that they are most scared of some will say darkness, ghosts, snakes, depth of the sea, or height of the mountains. I once had this urge to find out what scares the human mind the most. Most of the answers seemed similar all had one thing in common the fear of the unknown of what they might find lurking around in the darkness or what might be deep-seated in the ocean.
The fear of the unknown is what scares us the most. We often wonder what happens after death? Do we ever find peace? Heaven and hell exist? There are many such questions we ask and are often disappointed. Even as a kid we are scared what if I don’t complete my homework? We are constantly taught to be scared of the unknown. Have you ever seen a monster under your bed? the answer is no but most of us growing up believed that there is someone waiting for us to step out of our bed.
Most of you have read somewhere that the human mind can be controlled very easily. It is trained in such a way that we always fear the consequences of our actions instead of being responsible. We are taught that there lurks a ghost in the dark and scary sharks in the ocean. If we change the narrative altogether? say there is a firefly in the dark and shellfish in the depths.
To overcome this fear, the biggest fear of human life, the fear of the unknown we need to change the narrative. Don’t be scared to fight back or to break the shackles, instead of fearing the unknown consequences take the responsibility to deal with the consequences of your actions. By being scared you are becoming the prisoner of your own mind. You are confining your space to a limited safe zone, beyond which you have been told lies a dark future. This time you shut the noise and move forward, to see everything the world has to offer.
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